I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
