It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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