i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
