nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Come see our sink grown plant.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
