call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
