okay pat passed out under dana's car
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.