"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.