Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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