Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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