I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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