We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
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She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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