I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
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