I got chris browned last night
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
