you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
