im six kinds of drunk right now
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
