i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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