while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
