Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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