Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
