Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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