I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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