Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
