im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize