is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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