What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
