You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
