Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
God, I missed his penis.
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