I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
