I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
