hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
