I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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