frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
