toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
