Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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