Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
