What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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