Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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