I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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