I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
