I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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