I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
