I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
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I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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