come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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