I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Randomize
