I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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