she kept yelling 'call me bella'
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
