After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
