It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
