I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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