1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
did i walk over a car last night?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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