I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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