I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
