I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
