dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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