Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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