yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
