You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
