youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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